Mothers and daughters have a special bond that often cannot be described. There might be ups and downs in your relationship with your mother, but those moments are few and far in between. You gush about boys to your mother, confide in her about your trials and tribulations, and call her constantly to ask innocuous questions about doing laundry and cooking.
The point is that you are constantly relying on your mother even if she’s living on the other side of the country. That’s what makes losing her so difficult. She’s your first call when a major life event happens and the first person by your side when something goes awry. Not having your mother, your rock, your person, any more can be extremely difficult. It might feel like you will never be okay again, but you will get through this.
Allow Yourself to Truly Feel Your Grief
After your mother dies its common to try and push away the grief. You might try to focus on other things to keep your mind busy, but that is not healthy. Neither is allowing others to pressure you to speed up the mourning and grieving process. People might even avoid mentioning your mother’s name or asking questions because they don’t want to upset you. This is not healthy.
To grieve properly you need to allow yourself to feel the pain. You cannot push aside your emotions or put up emotional barriers to keep yourself from facing the reality of your devastating loss. You’ll find that avoiding the pain does not make it go away. In fact, it can even prolong the grieving process. Allow yourself to feel the pain to work through your grief. Ignoring it, by denying the loss or tossing away heartfelt gifts for grieving daughters that come your way is just prolonging the inevitable.
Know That There Are No Timetables on Grief
There is no timetable on how long your grief will last. The saying “time heals all wounds” does not always apply and it certainly doesn’t in the case of grieving. This fact is probably something that you don’t want to hear, but it’s the truth. In accepting this, you can actually realize that your grief is in your hands and that by actively facing it you can take one step closer to acceptance.
It’s also important to remember that you will work through grief at your own speed and no one should be pushing you along. A friend who lost their mother at a similar time that you might seem better, but you cannot compare grief. Everyone experiences it with different intensity and moves through the steps at various speeds. Just focus on yourself.
Remember Your Mother
Obviously, you are going to remember your mom—she was your mother after all!—but that means remembering both the good and bad. To truly work through the grief, you cannot just walk through memory lane with rose-colored glasses. You need to remember the good times with your mother, as well as the bad. You can’t push away the negative experiences because they will come back to haunt you, just like if you were to push off your feelings of grief. Once you acknowledge the flaws that go along with her great personality traits, you can truly work towards acceptance.
It’s Okay to Have Bad Days
It’s okay to have some bad days when you are grieving. You did lose your mother after all. After weeks of feeling good, grief can rear its ugly head. It can be as simple as scrolling through your phone and seeing her name in your contacts or cleaning up your house and coming across one of the grieving daughter gifts that you received after she passed. It’s okay to have some bad days. In fact, you should expect some bad days. They’ll come at unpredictable and probably inconvenient times, but they will come. No matter how long it’s been you will still have some bad days. Accept it and embrace the opportunity to grieve a great woman.
Find Peace with the Loss and Live a Happy Life
Mothers always want the best for you, don’t they? That means even after they are gone they would want you to continue living, to have a great and happy life. It might seem impossible depending on how recent your wound is, but you’ll get there. Find whatever comforts you and embrace it. Is it a pillow with your mother’s scent on it, catching a glimpse of her favorite animal out in the wilderness, a piece of memorial jewelry or even sitting by a memorial fountain in your garden? Whatever it is that gives you comfort and peace, embrace it. Just remember that your mother would want the best for you and if she was still here she’d probably tell you to smile and get back out in the world.